Monday, September 20, 2010

Splash 'n' Dash

So, who would think... after strolling down to the dock yesterday morning and putting my purse in The Shack (aka "gatehouse" as the elderly of Douglaston like to refer to it in effort to maintain dignity) to keep my items dry while I watched the 5th Annual "Splash-n-Dash" my purse gets soaked.

How you ask? With the seemingly securley "closed" bottle of poland spring I threw in there.

The following gets ruined:

*my blackberry

* bd's camera

* new book (Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert)

* date book (yes, I still use a date book even though I have a blackberry)

* freshly opened pack of gum (promptly chucked in bin)

* receipts

*wallet &/or contents of wallet including but not limited to:

money. prescriptions. stamps. LIRR pass. metro card. pictures of family members. all un-laminated membership cards ie: NYRR & similar. etc.

Phone goes blank then decides track ball is on strike. Panic sets in. Decide to remain calm and watch neighbourhood nutters swim to Great Neck and back while taking photo's to email to the club for embarrassment in monthly newsletter. Last swimmer emerges. Phone vibrates but cannot answer call. Terror.

Terror as if someone abducted my child* (*note do not have child, just thought is bad enough) Sudden feeling of loss/heartache. Resolve to drive to Verizon store..

Helpful employee notifies me that blackberry is in fact "broken". Instead of going through insurance and being sent a phone that is 2 years old and probably refurbished, I decide to bite the bullet and buy Droid 2.

Important Service Announcement: Droid dose not come with instruction manual.. you must figure out everything on own esp. if you have the same helpful vzw employee as I did.

But totally awesome. I urge bberry users to get DROID!

Now.. if I could only figure out apps? And if i could find one that told me to stop being a fat ass?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

NJ Shore & cappucccccchino

Firstly, my photo taken at the beach @ Donnovan's Reef in Sea Bright NJ this past weekend.
Secondly, I believe I may have personally offended a hasidic Jewish man this morning by having a bit too much fun with a lint roller. But must blame v. new & exciting Black Dog Cafe sweatshirt (from MV) for lint as it stuck to my kelly green tank top style shirt & black trousers.
Thirdly, due to incliment/intolerable weather almost fell prey to the starf*ckers cappucchino trap this AM. I usually order:
Sugar free
Extra Shot
Extra Hot
No whip
No foam
But realized will not spend $6 on a cup of hot milk. Plus line = totally insane. What is wrong w/ people? Standing in line waiting to throw away $$$ for Wha??

Cannot quite believe extent to which cappuccinos have taken over people's lives, giving certain city areas appearance of Communist or war-torn cultures with people standing patiently in huge queues for hours as if waiting for bread in Sarajevo while others sweat, roasting and grinding beans, banging metal things full of gunge around, with steam hissing.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

These pretzels are making me thirsty

12:58pm Not just a Seinfeldian line anymore! Its true, this snack sized bag of Rold Gold *tiny twists* is giving me thirst issues. Would get diet coke if not chained to desk as am super receptionist/legal biller who is far too responsible to remove self from station.

1:02pm Have employed fellow employee to sort out fizzy beverage situation. I now need this diet coke in an effort to prevent myself from eating entire bag of roldgold, which I only started eating to stave off hunger as lunch isn't for another 58 minutes. Hm.. feel odd with travel size pretzels and frosty diet coke, surley must be on airplane, not at work?

1:10pm No longer hungry for lunch. Maybe will not eat lunch in effort to a. try out the CV diet b. save room for dinner- Dave&Busters is 3000 calories waiting to happen esp. if the adults engage in a drink or 2*

(*or 8)

1:16pm Asked for work and received large stack of papers. Grr. Thinking I should work through lunch to resolve work load, should have bought salad that was averted by eating pretzels and drinking dc?

1:18pm Leering at stack of paper, contrary to popular belief, is not reducing size. Although if that worked would have thighs size of bendy straws.

1:24pm Have firmly resolved to take lunch hour inspite of guilt and eat like proper adult, at table v. hunched over desk while working. typing. lettuce. phone ringing. tomato flying across desk. legal document. dirty napkin. fork. highlighter.

1:27pm Where to go for lunch?

1:30pm Reminder of taking building photo for passcard. Ew, look haggard.

1:40pm Leering has backfired and documents have doubled in size. Unruly stack.

1:46pm Contemplating merit of eating at other person's desk while working through lunch as stack clearly has the advantage in this situation. No answering phones. no flying lettuce. no greeting clients with poka-dot teeth from fresh cracked pepper in salad. Accomplish task while mainting 6pm exit stratagey to get to Dave&Busters for what is sure to be 8* adult beverages.


1:48pm Apply make up for photo.

1:49pm Where is make up?

1:50pm Posing for photo in 10 minutes. WHERE IS MAKE UP?

To be continued...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The trouble with living alone

Plunge into a spiral, thinking: Oh God, I'm a schizophrenic/frigid/nymphomaniac/alcoholic/have MS and must stay under the duvet.
Clearly one cannot say, pick up cell and ring anyone who will answer when having a pseudo-paranoid thought. Wait... is it paranoid? Am I paranoid for thinking thoughts are paranoid? And so on.
Always best to keep to yourself, say, that you laid on the couch for 3 hours last night taking pulse (to make sure you still have one) while watching 'Real Housewives NJ' (because if anyone deserves to be dead, its them) and drinking red wine (since the surgeon general suggested is good for heart health). That for example is the type of thing I would never call and admit to doing.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Martha's Vineyard

Martha's Vineyard...

What can I say? 300 pictures, 4 beaches, 1 pool, 8 million shops, 10 galleries, 6 lobsters and 1 attack by rose bush later and Im back. Its been almost a week (insert look of horror here) since paradise and I feel once again, as if I never left. Everything is back to "normal".

Well, normal if you think that being surprised by a 'Little Mermaid' Rug at 9:45pm for your living room is normal, than sure! Welcome to my world.

If anyone is planning on going to MV any time soon, you must, M.U.S.T. go to Larsen's Fish Market in Chilmark. Best lobster of my life. Sitting on the dock outside, no table, no wine glasses, watching the sun set. sweeeeeeet.

Friday, August 6, 2010

My Bed

This is my bed.... Welcome to my bedroom... Yes, I know, I need more pillows & clearly that glass of wine is empty so that needs to be rectified.. but yeah.

Love You.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

thanks Andy Warhol

Firstly, let me say that... my landlord, her boyfriend, my housemate and her friend X (not real name obv.) are all awesome to party with on a Tuesday night. Who knew that hanging mirrors could be so much fun? Who knew you could get 6 glasses of wine out of one bottle?

Not I.

Who knew the pimply faced youth with the crazy hair so was blatantly staring at me the whole 7:57 train ride in this morning.. would be so polite as to let me off the train first?

Speaking of hair, I need a haircut something fierce. And I think I'm going to do it.. go to the Jean Louis David downstairs in my building after work and just do it..

the ultimate masochistic act that is: a cheap haircut!

gasp. After using the loo at work- I realised how terrible my hair actually looks, that is why he was staring. v. bad. how many other people were staring? or thinking.. wow, I'm lucky b/c I don't have hair like that.

So.. birthday weekend.. vacation weekend.. new haircut weekend? I think so! I think I'm going to do it!

************by the by: I found the original Bridget Jones newspaper columns from 1995.. If anyone is intrested... email me & I'll send you the link!