Splash 'n' Dash

So, who would think... after strolling down to the dock yesterday morning and putting my purse in The Shack (aka "gatehouse" as the elderly of Douglaston like to refer to it in effort to maintain dignity) to keep my items dry while I watched the 5th Annual "Splash-n-Dash" my purse gets soaked.

How you ask? With the seemingly securley "closed" bottle of poland spring I threw in there.

The following gets ruined:



*my blackberry

* bd's camera

* new book (Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert)

* date book (yes, I still use a date book even though I have a blackberry)

* freshly opened pack of gum (promptly chucked in bin)

* receipts

*wallet &/or contents of wallet including but not limited to:

money. prescriptions. stamps. LIRR pass. metro card. pictures of family members. all un-laminated membership cards ie: NYRR & similar. etc.





Phone goes blank then decides track ball is on strike. Panic sets in. Decide to remain calm and watch neighbourhood nutters swim to Great Neck and back while taking photo's to email to the club for embarrassment in monthly newsletter. Last swimmer emerges. Phone vibrates but cannot answer call. Terror.



Terror as if someone abducted my child* (*note do not have child, just thought is bad enough) Sudden feeling of loss/heartache. Resolve to drive to Verizon store..



Helpful employee notifies me that blackberry is in fact "broken". Instead of going through insurance and being sent a phone that is 2 years old and probably refurbished, I decide to bite the bullet and buy Droid 2.



Important Service Announcement: Droid dose not come with instruction manual.. you must figure out everything on own esp. if you have the same helpful vzw employee as I did.

But totally awesome. I urge bberry users to get DROID!



Now.. if I could only figure out apps? And if i could find one that told me to stop being a fat ass?

NJ Shore & cappucccccchino

Firstly, my photo taken at the beach @ Donnovan's Reef in Sea Bright NJ this past weekend.

Secondly, I believe I may have personally offended a hasidic Jewish man this morning by having a bit too much fun with a lint roller. But must blame v. new & exciting Black Dog Cafe sweatshirt (from MV) for lint as it stuck to my kelly green tank top style shirt & black trousers.

Thirdly, due to incliment/intolerable weather almost fell prey to the starf*ckers cappucchino trap this AM. I usually order:

Venti

Skim

Sugar free

Vanilla

Latte

Extra Shot

Extra Hot

No whip

No foam

But realized will not spend $6 on a cup of hot milk. Plus line = totally insane. What is wrong w/ people? Standing in line waiting to throw away $$$ for Wha??

Cannot quite believe extent to which cappuccinos have taken over people's lives, giving certain city areas appearance of Communist or war-torn cultures with people standing patiently in huge queues for hours as if waiting for bread in Sarajevo while others sweat, roasting and grinding beans, banging metal things full of gunge around, with steam hissing.

These pretzels are making me thirsty

12:58pm Not just a Seinfeldian line anymore! Its true, this snack sized bag of Rold Gold *tiny twists* is giving me thirst issues. Would get diet coke if not chained to desk as am super receptionist/legal biller who is far too responsible to remove self from station.


1:02pm Have employed fellow employee to sort out fizzy beverage situation. I now need this diet coke in an effort to prevent myself from eating entire bag of roldgold, which I only started eating to stave off hunger as lunch isn't for another 58 minutes. Hm.. feel odd with travel size pretzels and frosty diet coke, surley must be on airplane, not at work?


1:10pm No longer hungry for lunch. Maybe will not eat lunch in effort to a. try out the CV diet b. save room for dinner- Dave&Busters is 3000 calories waiting to happen esp. if the adults engage in a drink or 2*

(*or 8)

1:16pm Asked for work and received large stack of papers. Grr. Thinking I should work through lunch to resolve work load, should have bought salad that was averted by eating pretzels and drinking dc?


1:18pm Leering at stack of paper, contrary to popular belief, is not reducing size. Although if that worked would have thighs size of bendy straws.

1:24pm Have firmly resolved to take lunch hour inspite of guilt and eat like proper adult, at table v. hunched over desk while working. typing. lettuce. phone ringing. tomato flying across desk. legal document. dirty napkin. fork. highlighter.

1:27pm Where to go for lunch?

1:30pm Reminder of taking building photo for passcard. Ew, look haggard.

1:40pm Leering has backfired and documents have doubled in size. Unruly stack.

1:46pm Contemplating merit of eating at other person's desk while working through lunch as stack clearly has the advantage in this situation. No answering phones. no flying lettuce. no greeting clients with poka-dot teeth from fresh cracked pepper in salad. Accomplish task while mainting 6pm exit stratagey to get to Dave&Busters for what is sure to be 8* adult beverages.

(*12)


1:48pm Apply make up for photo.

1:49pm Where is make up?

1:50pm Posing for photo in 10 minutes. WHERE IS MAKE UP?

To be continued...

The trouble with living alone

Plunge into a spiral, thinking: Oh God, I'm a schizophrenic/frigid/nymphomaniac/alcoholic/have MS and must stay under the duvet.

Clearly one cannot say, pick up cell and ring anyone who will answer when having a pseudo-paranoid thought. Wait... is it paranoid? Am I paranoid for thinking thoughts are paranoid? And so on.

Always best to keep to yourself, say, that you laid on the couch for 3 hours last night taking pulse (to make sure you still have one) while watching 'Real Housewives NJ' (because if anyone deserves to be dead, its them) and drinking red wine (since the surgeon general suggested is good for heart health). That for example is the type of thing I would never call and admit to doing.

Martha's Vineyard

Martha's Vineyard...

What can I say? 300 pictures, 4 beaches, 1 pool, 8 million shops, 10 galleries, 6 lobsters and 1 attack by rose bush later and Im back. Its been almost a week (insert look of horror here) since paradise and I feel once again, as if I never left. Everything is back to "normal".

Well, normal if you think that being surprised by a 'Little Mermaid' Rug at 9:45pm for your living room is normal, than sure! Welcome to my world.

If anyone is planning on going to MV any time soon, you must, M.U.S.T. go to Larsen's Fish Market in Chilmark. Best lobster of my life. Sitting on the dock outside, no table, no wine glasses, watching the sun set. sweeeeeeet.

My Bed

This is my bed.... Welcome to my bedroom... Yes, I know, I need more pillows & clearly that glass of wine is empty so that needs to be rectified.. but yeah.

B.E.D.

Love You.

thanks Andy Warhol

Firstly, let me say that... my landlord, her boyfriend, my housemate and her friend X (not real name obv.) are all awesome to party with on a Tuesday night. Who knew that hanging mirrors could be so much fun? Who knew you could get 6 glasses of wine out of one bottle?

Not I.

Who knew the pimply faced youth with the crazy hair so was blatantly staring at me the whole 7:57 train ride in this morning.. would be so polite as to let me off the train first?

Speaking of hair, I need a haircut something fierce. And I think I'm going to do it.. go to the Jean Louis David downstairs in my building after work and just do it..

the ultimate masochistic act that is: a cheap haircut!

gasp. After using the loo at work- I realised how terrible my hair actually looks, that is why he was staring. v. bad. how many other people were staring? or thinking.. wow, I'm lucky b/c I don't have hair like that.

So.. birthday weekend.. vacation weekend.. new haircut weekend? I think so! I think I'm going to do it!

************by the by: I found the original Bridget Jones newspaper columns from 1995.. If anyone is intrested... email me & I'll send you the link!

gym

We went.
We saw.
We conquered the treadmill for about 2o minutes aka 2 miles. The TV on my treadmill was busted so I was staring at a green screen while running and flailing my arms.. Thriller style.. Must have looked v. similar to when they did the in-house-studio-shots for the matrix:

Arms flailing about legs akimbo and green screen.

I'm wondering where I spent more time.. in the shower or on the treadmill? Of course this has brought me to the realization that I:

A. need a lock
B. need to not wear expensive jewelry to work
C. need mucinex or some kind of cough medicine
D. need to wear a dress or easy assembly clothing every day
E. need to suck it up and drive to LA Fitness in the morning.. or just run outside

But I committed to 3 days at this gym & 3 work-outs I shall have

new gym?

And That my good friends... is called Sunday Afternoon

















Sunday afternoons such as these kind of prevents one from taking on more productive pursuits such as.. Oh, lets say.. unpacking one's room after they move.. running.. making phone calls re: said move.. reading the manual on your refrigerator to make sure you don't turn the dial, oh lets say to 9 and freeze all your food? And ruin it..

But it seems one must partake in Sunday afternoons like this when your neighbour and friend of many years invites you to his home.. when he lives 4 doors down (on the same side of the block). Certainly it would be impolite and rude to turn down both (Bloody) Mary and Anonymous friend-- thereby hurting 2 peoples feelings.

Procrastination continues.. until.. yesterday at lunch when D & I went to the gym in my bldg.

Progress.

Understood that not joining a gym located IN my bldg is the height of laziness (esp. when I have a free pass for the month of Aug).. but I've gotta think about it.. try it out & just really:


Force Myself To Gym-It at Lunch EVERY DAY.

Even though I have a nasty cold.. even though I am sans the LV garment bag (of my dreams) which as we all know would make going to the gym so much more stylish!! I will press on in the hopes that a loyal reader will take pity on me while acknowledging my dreams of running/fitness/healthy-lifestyle-ness and buy me my LV garment bag! Then I can write about them, how fabulous they are.. create instant Internet celebrity for them and put them on the cover of People magazine!

Thank you yet to be named high-end-leather-goods-benefactor!

omfg. That did not just happen to me.

OMG. You won’t believe…



so SOMEONE in an effort to save me time and make my life easier.. took a whole ton of garbage-unsorted- to THEIR house where you don't really have to sort and they don't go through your trash whatever.. Well.. instead it was randomly dumped it in a garbage can on the street in the next town over..



YEAH.



my address was in there. My Mom’s address was in there.. They went to her house then The department of sanitation showed up to my apt LOOKING FOR ME THIS MORNING.



My landlord just called & was like.. Um. The department of sanitation is HERE looking for you.. I was like WHAT?

SHE TALKED THEM OUT OF GIVING ME A FINE.. I am stunned. I had NO idea what she was talking about. I've been there 2 days & a government agency shows up looking for me? She must have been scared out of her mind and not very happy.



I have a cold from the mix of all the dust in that room.. hadn't been cleaned in YEARS.. and the bleach I used to get rid of the dust.. My lungs are not happy.. I'm coughing so hard that i almost threw up in my garbage can here at my desk.

And that is today.. in a nutshell.

? ? ?

What is going on? My head is spinning and not in a I'm going to throw up, have a hang over or feel like I'm coming down with something kind of way (which I actually do feel like I'm getting sick- I think its the stress).

I'm really feeling awkward today & am having a hard time putting it together.

And Verizon JUST called me and I owe them $226.88 ARE YOU SERIOUS? How is that even possible? God, that makes me seem like some type of degenerate who doesn't pay their bill?? I have to call them, this is out of control.

I need to buy pillows for my bed b/c I only have one and that is not going to work.
I need to buy an extension cord & a power strip for my tv/dvd/cable.
I need to buy lunch even though I swore up and down that I wouldn't be doing that.
I need to go to the bank and take out $xxx.xx.
I need to go to NYSC and check out the gym.
I need to get a parking spot in front of my building tonight @ 7 to load up my car.
I need to not just have paid verizon $200.
I need to take last years un-given Christmas presents out of the bar (don't ask).
I need to go to CVS and buy cleaning products to bleach the ---- out of my new apt tomorrow.
I need to buy bleach b/c I love the way it smells & I put it on everything.
I need to buy dinner b/c I have no food in my current apt.
I need to buy a bottle of wine.
lie.
I need to buy 3 bottles of wine (for tonight).
I need to buy 3 bottles of wine for tomorrow.
I need to invent an alcohol poisoning detector kit because I'm going to need it.
I need to buy towels.. because my monogrammed towels won't arrive in time.
I need a thermometer b/c I'm pretty sure I have a fever.
I need to not spend over $1000 today and I guarantee you that I will spend more.
I need a ring pop.


I need to relax.

Beers & Tears

Not sure if it was the inappropriate mixture of wine in a box (see above) and Bud Light that caused me to cry myself to sleep last night... or... the fact that I will only be sleeping there for 2 more nights? But whatever it was, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Just an overwhelming feeling of sadness that could not be tamed. I thought I would be nothing short of overjoyed but it seems.. this unanticipated anxiety is a force to be reckoned with.

Onwards! I have just received a free month's membership to the NYSC in my building. Fabulous.. just the kick in the skirt I need to run at lunch. I have a stunning flat screen tv (just short of assembly) that I will be watching Saturday morning while I wait for my bed- Im not sure what I'll be in the mood to watch?? Maybe 'Marie Antoinette' or 'The Painted Veil' or.... some 'Arrested Development' whatever it is.. It doesn't really matter b/c its a dvd off my choosing. Luckily for moi, the one thing I didn't have to buy was a dvd player.. I have my very own ghetto dvd/vcr player. That's right.. VCR! Who owns a vcr?

I almost feel that I have to be closeted about this ownership. Dare I admit that I actually own vhs cassette tapes? Gasp. Not that I am a proponent of them in any way.shape.or.form. but sometimes, when is a classic & you've had it (for what seems like) ages its hard to let go. Home Alone for example, I will not get rid of that tape! Why? I couldn't tell you. Perhaps it evokes memories of childhood, thanksgiving, sitting way too close to the tv on the floor with popcorn? Who knows.. but there is something almost sacred about that tape.. and really that's why I bought the combo player-- and -- why I still have it. I don't care to align myself with the toothless, denim overall-ed yokel's that I mentally assign to be proud owners of VCR players, believing them to be the latest in motion picture viewing.. but I have to admit.. I do own a vcr. Maybe I'll watch Home Alone on Saturday morning? Create a new memory.

Random statement of the day:

Team Nosferatu!

Spandex is not for everyone

What would happen I wonder.. If I was improper enough in buseiness, blog or personale to not use teh spell check? Surely it would begin to annoy a reader, look obnoxious and right off teh bat be totally W.R.O.N.G.

Well, folks (all typo's aside) that is how I feel about spandex pants or leggings as they are so popularly referred to now. I believe 'spandex' evokes a kind of late 80's early 90's Raquel Welch work out video image and G-d forbid we call a spade a spade and remind ourselves that it wasn't acceptable to dress like this back then and it certainly isn't acceptable now- esp. for those of us on our 2nd go around in this stretchy, curve loving fabric.

So, Im standing on the escalator, on the right hand side: (this is important) for those of you who don't know the right side is for people who choose to stand still and ride the escalator vs. left hand side are people who walk up the escalator (v. similar to stairmaster or similar). As am wearing quite a short dress I do not want people staring at my thighs or noticing that my garment is kind of lacking fabric. Having afforded myself 3 full minutes of free time, I notice what people are wearing as they stairmaster past me- lo and behold.. 6 people wearing "leggings" and im sorry.. different heights, weights, cankles, ethnicities, what have you -


VISUAL ASSAULT.



They did not look good on anyone!!

Yikes, I don't know what kind of body dismorphia these people have but I implore you.. do not wear spandex pants in public. I don't care that you have a schmancy top on and accessorized with a tacky gold belt and russel-crowe-gladiator-sandals. It still isn't OK.

Wear it to the gym.. Wear it to bed.. wear it in your home.. to yoga & ballet class! Not to work. How can anyone take you seriously if you are wearing spandex in a corporate environment?

Enough of that.. I am in a hideous mood as I purchaced a 37 or was it 40in flat screen tv last night somewhere in the ballpark of -OH its really late, this store is closing and this is NOT the time to be doing this. Now I have to assemble the base tonight and hook up the cable to see if I have to call the cable guy- rather if my landlord has to call to have it hooked it up so it is V. important that I do this ASAP to avoid moving in Sat & not having a tv to watch while I wait for the 1.800.sleepys men to deliver my bed.

The perfect case scenario:

I am watching my favourite TV show- which has already been DVR'ed and now I have the inaugural jump on my bed. Yes, I jump on the bed. Every bed I have ever slept on has been jumped on by yours truly.

Further perfection, I give you.. my vacation...

Bueller?

That is the "clean" portion of my desk from earlier on this morning.

Due to a chaotic day.. I am unable to finish:

A) full blog with one complete thought process

2) a complete thought

C) a conversation.. apparently I am now to be moving my TV into my apt tomorrow evening... and the Fridge? Hello.

D) who knows.. im so stressed I might start that bizarre hair pulling syndrome? Tomorrow there will be a photo of bald patch amongst thickly sprouting red hair?

E) in any event.. I am meeting my stunning soon to be married cousin this evening.. anyone with mid-upper east side suggestions?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Organized Chaos & Other Theories

I have that "today is going to be THAT kind of day" feeling. Yes, its beautiful out, its Tuesday so the week is progressing nicely and I am having cocktails with Ashley my most fabulous cousin this evening and even the subway has less-than-stagnant-non-pea-soup air.. but still..

I know you must be thinking to yourselves....Kristen, WHY are you thinking so negatively, its only 10:16!!!!!!!!

Fear not, I will share my woes.

1. No time for tea @ Diego's this morning, don't like being on train sans morning beverage
2. Sat next to what must be the most sexually frustrated man in the universe on LIRR, hemming & hawing at his blackberry. Scrolling around in a furious manner at what seemed to be: the answer to world peace? sustainable energy resources for all 3rd world countries? creating the ultimate coupon that works at every store with absolutely no expiration date? No, he was playing brickbreaker. Now I must admit.. He was the spitting image of Judd Nelson (from 'St. Elmo's Fire' one of the best films of all time) and he was V. smartly dressed which added to his appeal so I sat gingerly next to him as to not disturb his important cellphone business. I then became mildly disturbed as I sensed how increasingly heated he was becoming: patting down his slicked back greasy quaff, wiping the sweat off his upper lip, tugging at his tie. I responded by edging further towards the isle and got whacked in the head (& elbow) by a large woman in a leopard print moo-moo.
3. (Have taken 4 Advil as result of moo-moo assault)
4. Have answered the phone 67 times since 9:05. Yes I am keeping a tally
5. My desk is- well, organized chaos at best.. there is only one "clean" section and that's pushing it
6. My boss isn't here so real work hasn't actually started yet.. just interim work lets call it
7. I have a residual nervous-jittery feeling that I can't shake courtesy of Faux Mr. Nelson
8. Am missing my 'work' heels.. stuck in men's reefs for the day. How does that work in a corporate environment? Pearl necklace, little black dress and $20 men's sandals?
9. I am now the proud owner of a mini-fridge that is trapped in the trunk of someone's car with no prospects of escape, which makes me V. nervous
10. Have begun to scratch my chest as am breaking out in hives.. If I apply even preassure, I can make it look like I have a tan. Not hives. Must be diligent in scratching going forward

Deep breath.

Only 10:48

Laundry Night

This is the last bin of laundry I will ever do at my apartment

Maybe I should have put my underwear on the bottom?

4 Days

I am moving in 4 days. This should be interesting, it's been almost a year since I moved last.. Guerrilla-style-warfare-move.. 1 hour.. 2 friends & 10 plastic bins ala Bed, Bath & Beyond and boom. 28 years of life scooped up in 59 minutes or less.

This time however, I am starting from scratch, not moving into a fully furnished apt.. but into a empty space a blank canvas if you will... Or a rust colored, textured wallpapered, grey-ish carpeted, dusty-70's inspired canvas.

At the very least I have purchased lightly colored items, lamps, couch w/ matching ottoman, area rug, side tables, blankets/sheets & dust ruffle. Things are really coming together, I have been channeling Rachel Ashwell in fact.. If I remember correctly, the bedding I purchased IS Rachel Ashwell 'Shabby Chic' collection! My brain has stopped functioning.. between moving, new job with tons of OT and well other things.. secretive things that I refuse to divulge at the moment.. I have a LOT going on. Not to mention that next weekend is my Birthday? And I'm going to Martha's Vineyard (insert fantastic smile here).

So really, I have been channelling a lot of people for advice:

*Rachel Ashwell for style & aesthetics
*Donald Trump for finances
*Martha Stewart & Bethenny Frankel-Hoppy for A Type personality suggestions
*The Dalai Lama for spiritual guidance
*Elizabeth Gilbert for "let it all go" emotional support
(and if you have not already- I seriously suggest you read Eat Pray Love!)

Im hoping that its working.. many good things have started coming together and I feel so blessed (and mildly overwhelmed) that they are all happening at once. Guess its true: when it rains, it pours.

Tonight, however. I am headed home with my roll of quarters- I will be doing massive amounts of laundry.. I sorted it out, 23 days, yes, shameful. Haven't done laundry in 23 days. Also is V. disgusting and you're probably thinking you must be dirtier than a homeless person in Calcutta. But no, I actually own that much stuff.. and no, I have not run out of underwear yet.
(Impressive.) These loads of laundry are a milestone b/c they will be the last ever washed in the Manor House... sigh of sadness and joy...

And now. Back to writing my letter to the lovely chuteassis.blogspot.com
Which is how I started my own blog, Thank you for continuing to inspire me to try new things!
Love you!

xoxo